husband wife jokes

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husband wife jokes

husband wife jokes

husband wife jokes

Wife:
Jaanu Kash Aap Sms Hotay,
Main Aap Ko Save Karti,

Husband:
Jaan-e-Man, Kaash Tum Ring Tone Hoti,
Main Her Haftay Tumhe Change Karta….

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

wife : ” Ghar nahi aa sakti..”
Car ka stearing, gear, break sab chori ho gaya hai..”
.
.
After 1hour,
SHe calls back : “Aa rahi hu, galti se pichli seat pe baith gayi thi..” :D :P :P

  <<<<--------========================================------>>>>


Boss hangs a poster in Office
"I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET"
He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk.
"Ur wife called, she wants her poster back home."

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Man outside phone booth: Excuse me !!
You are holding the phone since 20 mins.
&
haven't spoken a word..!!!
Man inside: I'm talking to my wife

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband texts to wife on cell..

"Hi,what r u doing Darling?"

Wife: I'm dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."

Husband: "Bloody English Language!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A line written on a Husband's T shirt :
ALL GIRLS ARE DEVIL BUT MY WIFE IS QUEEN..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OF THEM..:-P
Than we met

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (31 votes, average: 3.97 out of 5)
My wife and I
were happy for 20 years.
Than we met.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Two Wise Advises for Married Peoples

Never laugh at your wife's choices...
(You are on of them...)

Never be Prouf of Your Choices...
(Your Wife is one of them...)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".
Don't copy if u can't paste! :p

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Audience was in shock and silence..
He added: "she was my mother"
A big round of applause & laughter!

A very daring husbnd tried to crack this at home
After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker

by the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral: don't copy if u can't paste!
Want to surprise your girlfriend?

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Want to surprise your girlfriend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Introduce her to your wife :p

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife (0n f0ne) suniye! Wind0w ka l0ck nai khul raha,
Husbnd: esa kr0 th0ra 0il grm kr k us pr dal d0,
Wife: Kya us sy kam h0 jaye ga?
Husbnd: Tum try t0 kr0,
After 15 mints,,
Husbnd calls wife,
Husband: tum ny try kia?
Wife: han kia pr ab lapt0p he band h0 gia hai,
Husbnd : lakh di lanat zaleel 0rat . .

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband wife watching an a Cricket match
together:”
After 5 minutes:”
Wife:” Is this Bret Lee ??
Husband:” No, this is Chris Gayle,
Bret Lee is a bowler.. Wife:” Okay, oh look, another
wicket..
Husband:” No, this is just a replay
of the last one..
Wife:” Hmm, looks like India is going to win this
one.. Husband:” It’s Austraila V/s west Indies
Wife:” How many runs they need
to win now ??
Husband:” 72 runs in 36 balls..
Wife:” Ehnn! That’s easy, just 2 runs in 1 ball..
Husband:” *Turns off the TV* Wife:” Turns it on again and starts watching
“Daily serial”
Husband:” Who is she ??
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. Wife:” dont disturb me…!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Ladies, if a Man says he’ll do something, he’ll do it..No need to remind him every six months about it…

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Every HUSBAND has got:
EGO
ATTITUDE
STYLE
INTELLEGENCY
LOVE
POWER
MONEY
GOODWILL
REPUTATION…
above all is under guidance
of WIFE….

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Mutmaeen Kon Hy is Dunya Me?? Mery Siwa,,,
-
“Ghalib”
-
Har Gham Hay Mery Paas
Eik Begum K Siwwa….!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Aurton k Ek Group se poocha gaya k kon kon apne SHOHRON se PYAR karti hain?
Sab Ne Hath khare kardiye…
in sab ko ek ek msg dia giya k apne apne SHOHRON ko send karen…
“” I LOVE YOU ”
To in k shohron k jawab kuch you’n aaye…
1: Tumhri tabiyat theek hai na? :D
2: Ab kia ho gaya ? phir se Car maar di. :O
3: Excuse me %-)
4: Sirf itna batao k kitne paise chahiye…?? :O
5: Nasha to nahi karlia??;)
6: Ab kia kardia tumne? main is baar maaf nahi karoon ga…:D:D
Aur Sab Se acha jawab ye tha….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7: kon hain aap??

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

What is
wife……………….. ?
.
.
Fauji :
Sare Dushman Hum Se Darte Hai
Aur
Hum Bivi Se.
.
.
Mochi :
Main Juton Ki Marammat Krta
Hoon
Aur Bivi Meri .
.
.
Teacher : Mai School Mein
Lecture Deta Hoon
Aur Ghar Mein B.v Se
Sunta Hn .
.
. Officer :
Mai Office Mein Boss
Hoon Aur Ghr
Mein Nokar .
.
. Judge :
Main Court May Faisle
Sunata Hoon
Aur Ghar Mein Khud
Insaaf Ki
Bheekh Mangta hu..

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband to wife :- Today is a fine day.
Next day he says :- Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband :-
Since last one week, you are saying this’Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband :- Last week when we had an argument, you said,”I will leave you one fine day.”I was just trying to remind you

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

The shortest Argument between Husband and Wife,
Wife: i Hate U
Husband: kya Husn-e-Itafaq hai :p
Badsoorat Wife:
Apne Husbnd Se

Khirki K Parde Lagwa Do,
Naya Parosi Muje Dekhne Ki Koshish Krta Hy
Husband:
1 Bar Dekh Lene Do,
Phr
Wo Khud Parde Lagwa Lega.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A husband once complained
Dear Google,
Please stop behaving like my wife…
Will you please allow me to complete
the whole sentence before you start…?

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife- If I Dismiss The Cook
'n Make Food Myself For A Month,
What Will You Pay Me..?

Husband- I Won't Have To Pay You,
You'll Get My Entire Insurance Amount.. !:)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Ek admi ka hont jala hua tha.
Kisi ne pocha kese jala?
Admi bola:
wife maikay ja rahi thi.usko
chorrne station gaya tha khushi
main train ka Engine choom liye

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Ek admi ka hont jala hua tha.
Kisi ne pocha kese jala?
Admi bola:
wife maikay ja rahi thi.usko
chorrne station gaya tha khushi
main train ka Engine choom liye

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A Small Tip For Lifetime:

“Try To Present Yourself That
You Are HAPPY,

Slowly It Becomes
Your Habit
&
Finally It Becomes
Your Character.”
:)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

One million copies of a new book sold
In just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title.

"An idea,that can change your WIFE''
While real word was(LIFE).

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

1 bv kali thee aur shohr gora tha.
Sohar 1 din bola k hm 2ono jnti hain.
Bv boli woh kesay.
Sohahr bola .
Ma tumhain dakh kr sbr krta hoon.aur tum mujay dakh k shukar karti ho.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me
Jewelery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw
your dad paying the bill !!!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: main driver ko nokri se nikaal rahi hun kyun k aj main doosri bar marte marte bachi hun.
Husbnd: Begum isy ek aur moka do. :-)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife:
Mene suna hai ke Jannat me Mardon ko Hooren milen gi.
To aurton ko kya milay ga?
Husband:
Kuch nahi, Allah sirf mazloom ki sunta hai.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A – One Woman Brings U into this world crying…
&
the other ensures U Continue to do so.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband:u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife:Nonsense it’s only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me
Jewelery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw
your dad paying the bill !!!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife:"Meray iraday baray naik hain,
Aap 100 main
say aik hain!"

Husband: "dimagh k hum b DON hain,
pehle ye bata baqi k 99 kon hain...?

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband: dear tumhari gardan par ajeeb 

si cheez hay jise dekh kar khauf aata hay.


Wife:Wo kiya?



Husband:
Tumhara 'moun'... 
Husband and Wife SMS


Sender:Sulman Khan 

Date:16-04-2012
Husband biwi se Phone par:

"Kiya pakaya hai aj khanay mein?"

Biwi (ghussay se):
"Zeher"

Husband:
kha kar so jana, mein dair se aonga.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of website while downloading anything . U understand nothing , still u say – ” I agree . !

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

WIFE: What would you do if i died?
Would you get married again?
Husband: No…
Wife- Why not?
Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, i’d get married again…
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife…?
Husband: Yes, it’s a great house.
Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: Yes, its almost new, dear .
Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband: No, her size is ’5′
Wife: –silence-
Husband: ‘shiiit’…!!!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Hmari Light To Ab Is Tarha Se Aati He
“….”
Jese Shadi K Bad Beti MAA K Ghar Aati He.
(-,-) Acha AMMI
<( / chalti hon
1 ghantay k liye aayi thi,

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Asian man will have a wife and a girlfriend
and will love his wife more.

A black man will have 2 wives and 5 girlfriends
and will love his 1st wife more.

A white man will have 1 wife and 3 girlfriends
and will love his girlfriends more.

An pakistani man will have 1 wife and 

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

When a married man says:
"I'll think about it" ,
What he really means that,
He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet... =p =d

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1 Aadmi ne 100 Times Blood Donate kerny ka Record Qaim Kia,
Blood Bank Intizamia ne uski Wife ko bhi Prize diya.
Us aadmi Ki Wife ne Hyran ho k poocha,
Mujhay Prize Q?
Blood Bank Intizamia ne Muskura k kaha Madam
“Ap ne nahi piya
tabhi to Hum ne liya”

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband: Mere relatives ghar aa rahe hain, kuch bana Lo
.
BV ne mouh bana liya

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Touching words by a father-
Dear Son,
if U think ur Dad, Mom, Teacher, Boss are strict and harass u,..
Wait for a….WIFE.
Then,
U would love them All. 

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife cal her hsbnd
The window is jammed. Wat should I do?
Husband: Pour some warm water on it, but make sure it’s not too hot or it will crack
“OK” she replied, sounding a bit unsure.
He cal back 10 min later:
“Did u do the trick?”
“yes! but” she said tearfully,
“The LAPTOP isn’t working at all now!:P

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Laughs at ur own mistake make ur life long.
(shakspear).
Laughs at ur wife’s mistake make ur life short.
(Mrs Shakspear) 

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: U had lunch?
Husbnd : U had lunch?
Wife : Im asking u.
Husbnd : Im asking u.
Wife: U copying me?
Husbnd: U copying me?
Wife: Lets go shopping
Husbnd: I had lunch. :D

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A successful marriage is based
On give & take:

Where husband gives money,
Gifts, dresses n wife takes it

&

Where wife gives advices, lectures,
Tensions & husband takes it..!!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

husband
phone pe kya pakaya hai aj
wife
zeher
husband
kha k so jao me aaj late aon ga.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife:kal raat tum neend main mujhe gaaliya de rahe the. Husband:Tumhe galat fehmi hui hai. Wife: kaisi galat fehmi? Husband: Yehi k main soya hua tha

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife :- Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok. On the way home.. Husband :- wat did the doc say ? Wife :- .No chance for u to survive

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women" :P

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ... ?" Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewelery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " O:) Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love ! Husband: I m In The Pub Just Next To That Shop

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband : Ab tum hi is ghr ko jannat bana sakti ho …
.
.
Wife ( khush hotay huey )
Wo kaise ??
Husband :
Maayke ja k.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

In Newyork, a man was watching a movie at home and suddenly bawl out nooooooooooooo!! :’( Don’t go inside the church its a trap!!
Wife: what are u watching?
Man: our wedding dvd :s=))

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband to wife: agr meri lotery nikly to tm kya kro gi?
Wife: me aadi raqam le kr bhag jaoun gi,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Husband:100 ki nikli hai ye lo 50 or dfa ho jao

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Larki ki diary ka 1 page:
.
.
Ishq aik phool hai jis ka beej dard aur iski zameen almiyaa hai.. Jab tak is sar-zameen par na-kaami ki barish na ho, na beej phoot’ta hai, na zameen baar-aawar ho kar fassal deti hai.. Ishq ki mairaaj khud-faramoshi hi se haasil ho sakti hai…
.
.
10 SAAL BAAD:
.
.
.
.
Diary ka 1 aur page:
.
.
Gobhi 1 kilo,
Tematar adha kilo,
Dhobi ka bill,
Bachchon ki fees,
Sink ki jaali,
Mortein (cockroach wala),
Aalia k pamper,
Qarshi IspaghoL,
Panadol (2 packet),
Saas ko call,
Nasreen khala ko birthday wish,
2 burger (anday wale),
Blue band,
20 rupe ka easy load.
(Haaye re shadi) ;->

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Want to surprise your girlfriend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Introduce her to your wife. :P

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Puraani Kahawat He k
Sotay Waqt Koi Tention Le kar Nahi Sona Chahiye…
Lakin Hairat he…
Phir Bhi Log
BV Ko Saath Le ker Sote Hain..;:-)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Dedicated To Mashriqi Wife:
Husband:
aj khane me kia bnao’gi?
Wife:
wohi jo ap khaen
H:
dal chawal bna lo
W:
abi kal hi to khaye they
H:
to sabzi roti bna lo
W:
bache nhi khayen’ge
H:
to cholay puri bana lo
W:
mujhe heavy lagta hy
H:
anday aaloo bana lo
W:
phr subha nashte me kia khao’ge?
H:
parathay
W:
raat ko parathay kon khata hy?
H:
hotel se mangwa letay hain.
W:
roz roz hotel ka nhi khana chahye
H:
Kari chawal
W:
dahi nhi hy
H:
mattar
qeema?
W:
usme time lage’ga
pehle bolty aap
H:
maggi bana lo, usme time nhi lage’ga
W:
us say pait nhi bharta
H:
phir ab kia bnao’gi?
W:
“AAP BTAIN NA”

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

*BV Ki Dua*
Ya ALLAH Mere Shohr Ko Taraki De, DouLt Bangla De,
Mujhe Kuch Nhi Chahiye, Tu Sb Mere Shohr Ko De,
Baki…
Uss Se Lena Mera Kaam Hy.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A famous inspirational speaker said:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife”
Audience was in shock and silence..
He added: “She was my mother”
A big round of applause & laughter!
A very daring Husbnd tried to crack this at home
After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife” Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral: Don’t Copy if u can’t Paste!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Man Asks Wife- What Would You
Do If I Won The Lottery ?
Wife Says- I’d Take Half n Leave
You
Husband- Perfect ! I’ve Won
$10 , Here’s $5
Now Get Lost … =P =D

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Marriage Tip:
If Wife Wants To Get
Husband’s Attention,
Just Look
Sad & Uncomfortable.
If Husband Wants To Get
Wife’s Attention,
Just Look
Comfortable & Happy … =P ;)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: You delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby: Thanks dear but the audience was full of fools and idiots.
Wife: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

A true husband is one who lays down the laws for his wife…and then accepts all her amendments!

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Husband: tum aesi roti nahi bana sakhti jesi meri ammi pakati thi.
Wife: paka sakti hun agar tum be aeisa aata goondo jesa tumhare abbu goonda krty thy.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Doc: “After looking at these test results, I recommend your husband should have an operation immediately!”
Wife: “But Doc, this will seriously affect his hobby”
Doc astonished: “What in the world is the hobby?”
Wife: “Saving Money!” 

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: Suno ji, Is Haftey Hum Roz Cinema Dekhne Jaayenge.
Uske Agle Hafte hum Roz Shopping K Liye Jaayenge.
Husband: Aur Uske Agle Haftey Roz Mandir Jaayenge.
Wife: Kyo?
Husband- Bheek Mangenge. :)

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Every Wife is a ‘Mistress’ of her husband . . .
.
‘MISS’ for one hour and ‘STRESS’ for 23 hours everyday . . . !:-D

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: “Main bazar ja rahi hoon, mujhe 50 Rupay ki zaroorrat hai!”
Husband (ghusay se): “Tumhen Rupay se ziada aqal ki zaroorat hai!”
Wife: “Aapse wohi cheez mangi hai, jo aap k pass mojood hai!”

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>


If you were my husband,
I would poison your coffee

If you were my wife
I would drink it.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s

"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper
so I would be in ur hands allday.

Husband: I too wish that u were
a newspapers so I could have
a new one everyday.
A Special Package For Business Men.

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>

An Airline Introduced
A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free

After Great Success,
The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives
Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...

"Which Trip ?"

 <<<<--------========================================------>>>>



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